1 00:00:13,723 --> 00:00:15,603 Hey, ma'am, I think somebody's coming. 2 00:00:15,641 --> 00:00:17,641 Oh. Uh-oh. 3 00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:24,152 Oh! 4 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:25,571 - Oh, my God. - Gary. 5 00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:27,819 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! 6 00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:29,402 Oh! 7 00:00:29,447 --> 00:00:31,487 - Oh! - Ah, President Meyers. 8 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,702 President Stevenson! 9 00:00:33,743 --> 00:00:36,083 Enjoying a stroll down memory lane? 10 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,120 Well, I'll tell you something, if this were my library, 11 00:00:38,164 --> 00:00:40,874 I would make sure the people could sit behind the desk. 12 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,126 Can you even have a library? 13 00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:47,299 Seems like it'd be more like a bookmobile. 14 00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:53,385 - Yeah. - Oh, my goodness, you're so funny! 15 00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:56,679 If only the American people could've known you for your sense of humor 16 00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:59,854 instead of your bizarre indifference to apartheid. 17 00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:01,314 President Stevenson. 18 00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,853 - Ah, Mr. Splett. - Ma'am, I found one. 19 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:04,503 You found what? 20 00:01:04,505 --> 00:01:06,319 You told me to find all the pictures of you. 21 00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:08,358 - I didn't say that. - Is that your purse? 22 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:11,402 No. Let's go and see what else Hughes stole from the West Wing. 23 00:01:11,447 --> 00:01:13,817 You want to? I think we're about to start this thing. 24 00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:16,918 - sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com - 25 00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:22,873 I don't understand how a guy who never cracked a book can open up a library. 26 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,577 Let me tell you something, 27 00:01:24,627 --> 00:01:26,497 Hughes literally grabbed this chopper the day you left office. 28 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:28,705 How they "Jewed him down," as Mother used to say 29 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,376 when she wasn't busy telling me he only picked me as a running mate 30 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,625 so that he could look taller. 31 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:35,296 Oh, my God. Supermodels are your height. 32 00:01:35,346 --> 00:01:37,466 It doesn't matter. She's dead. Who cares? 33 00:01:37,515 --> 00:01:40,965 Hey, that reminds me, we need to find a place for Andrew's desk upstairs. 34 00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,728 How is an ex-president's ex moving back in with her 35 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,731 gonna go over with small-town America? 36 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,483 Unlike small-town America, 37 00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:49,725 Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy. 38 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,737 - Oh, wow! - Mm-hmm. 39 00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:53,029 Ma'am, may I get one with you and the first ladies? 40 00:01:53,072 --> 00:01:55,112 Oh, absolutely! 41 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,487 No Mrs. Hughes. She must be hanging from the rafters somewhere. 42 00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:59,235 - Gale! - Don't forget the first husbands. 43 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:02,196 Madame President, you look stunning in white. 44 00:02:02,248 --> 00:02:04,208 Where's la presidenta? 45 00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:07,250 I believe she is with President Hughes and the other formers 46 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:08,964 taking pictures in front of Air Force One. 47 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,254 Wait, that wasn't on the schedule. 48 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,917 I think it was an impromptu thing. 49 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,126 They just happened to be chatting amongst themselves. 50 00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,716 Got it. So good to see you! 51 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,052 Former fuckers. 52 00:02:18,097 --> 00:02:20,007 This is as impromptu as a colonoscopy 53 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:22,057 except with quadruple the assholes. 54 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:23,444 Are we running from something scary, ma'am? 55 00:02:23,446 --> 00:02:23,892 No. 56 00:02:23,936 --> 00:02:25,976 Richard, you slow down. It'll look like I'm not running. 57 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,481 - Gary, you go fast. - Yep! 58 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:28,983 Oh, no, that's too fast. 59 00:02:30,693 --> 00:02:32,613 Okay, folks, listen up. 60 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,864 I want a library. 61 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,816 I guess I could give up the gift wrapping room. 62 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:40,157 No, no, no, I want a goddamn 63 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:42,042 "look at the size of my dick," 64 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:44,869 "bring history to life" presidential library. 65 00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:45,695 Mm-hmm. 66 00:02:45,697 --> 00:02:48,036 I'm the only living president who doesn't have one. 67 00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:49,375 And you wanna know why that is? 68 00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:50,750 Because you served less than one year? 69 00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:54,506 No. Because nobody gives me any respect. 70 00:02:54,550 --> 00:02:56,680 I was a two-term senator. 71 00:02:56,719 --> 00:02:58,429 I was a congresswoman. 72 00:02:58,470 --> 00:02:59,890 - A mother. - No! 73 00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:02,720 I was the first woman vice president. 74 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:05,056 And America cannot forget that. 75 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:06,182 Never forget. 76 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,228 Oh, sorry, that's the Holocaust. 77 00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:10,692 - Totally forgot. - I need a monument to Selina Meyer. 78 00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:14,993 - An institution. - Selina Meyer belongs in an institution. 79 00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,739 - It was a spa. - Let's do this! 80 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,280 Oh, you know what? We're on an airplane. I know that. 81 00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:20,034 What are you thinking about for a location? 82 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,865 - It's gonna be Yale. - Oh. 83 00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,621 Yale has the prestige. 84 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,122 And, boys, it's where I went to law school. 85 00:03:25,164 --> 00:03:26,794 So, I mean, Yale's just perfect. 86 00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:29,002 Your outfits alone are gonna be a wing. 87 00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:30,963 - Dresses, belts... - Now, look, 88 00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:32,713 I want you to start lining up architects. 89 00:03:32,755 --> 00:03:35,835 I wanna talk to every Tom, Dick, and Gehry out there. 90 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,513 Maybe a female candidate. 91 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,841 Well, we're not redoing a kitchen, here, you know? 92 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:44,388 And we need to tell them that the Kennedy Library is a reference point 93 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,143 'cause, you know, he was also a part-termer. 94 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:48,225 Right. 95 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,480 Can I bring anything? 96 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:53,232 Ah, don't bring a thing. I'm gonna make my famous paella valenciana. 97 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:56,185 We're looking forward to seeing you and your lovely wife on Saturday. 98 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,986 All right, can't be too safe. 99 00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:00,910 That sweaty pederast has ruined more kids than the Common Core. 100 00:04:00,950 --> 00:04:02,990 Luckily, Will's anal halitosis 101 00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:04,865 renders him completely unbouffable. 102 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:07,082 - Tell 'em why, Will. - I'm fortunate to be odious 103 00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:08,752 to all colors of the sexual spectrum. 104 00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:11,921 So, what is it? Speak, Professor X-Gayvier. 105 00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:14,631 Minority Leader Furlong, with Congressman Shields' retirement, 106 00:04:14,672 --> 00:04:16,842 there is an empty seat on Ways and Means, so... 107 00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:19,262 Yeah, let me save you the peanut log you're about to squeeze 108 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,681 out of your face anus here... no. 109 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,720 You remain in detention on the Ethics Committee 110 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,644 with the rest of the special ed Breakfast Club. 111 00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:27,983 Nobody in Congress cares about ethics. 112 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,728 Jonah Ryan needs to make waves. 113 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,690 - Dismissed, GI Slow. - I'm free Saturday night. 114 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:34,611 I am shocked. 115 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:37,230 Good luck getting your precious back from those mean hobbits, Sméagol. 116 00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,567 - Uh, Kent. - Will. 117 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:44,244 I, uh... I'm so sorry, but, you know, a job's a job. 118 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:47,164 That's a false equivalence, but I appreciate the sentiment. 119 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,584 The first couple of years are the toughest, but... 120 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,912 - Kent! - Will! 121 00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:55,502 - What is this music, ma'am? - It's Brazilian music. 122 00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:58,046 - Andrew gave it to me. - Ma'am, could you please stop dancing? 123 00:04:58,090 --> 00:05:00,260 'Cause I'm just... I'm framing out your dress right now. 124 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,050 You know, you're using an awful lot of paint for down there. 125 00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:05,595 Maybe use it for up here and focus on this. 126 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:06,759 Oh, yeah, let's give the people what they want. 127 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,427 Okay, that's really... 128 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,225 - I'm sorry, that was too much. - way out of line. 129 00:05:10,269 --> 00:05:11,519 - But, yes. - Knock, knock. 130 00:05:11,562 --> 00:05:12,982 Sorry to interrupt. Can we take five? 131 00:05:13,022 --> 00:05:15,272 Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, Helen. 132 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,065 Just five for a second. No, Gary knows how to do this. 133 00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:19,990 - Okay, ma'am. Oh, sorry. - What are you doing? 134 00:05:20,029 --> 00:05:21,699 God damn it, what is it? 135 00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:23,609 Lee, I've been rustling the bushes... 136 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,907 - Yes? - and it turns out that people are 137 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:31,291 considerably more interested in your library than they are in adult literacy or AIDS. 138 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,121 Well, I guess AIDS had a good run. 139 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,417 It did. 140 00:05:34,460 --> 00:05:38,550 Um, I have a Pakistani industrialist friend 141 00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:40,879 who's interested in donating $20 million 142 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:43,054 if you get his cousin off the no-fly list. 143 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,723 As long as he promises not to blow up my library, 144 00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:46,142 I mean, I don't really give a shit. 145 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:48,430 - Sure. - Okay. 146 00:05:48,474 --> 00:05:48,974 Richard! 147 00:05:48,976 --> 00:05:50,475 I've been standing here the entire time, ma'am. 148 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,057 Just trying to keep still in case I'm in the painting. 149 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,232 No, you're not in the painting. Come here. 150 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,940 So, listen, in terms of the library, 151 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:57,520 I really wanna have a reflecting pool someplace 152 00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,356 for people to come and sit and reflect 153 00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:02,441 on what this cocksuck of a country did to me. 154 00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:04,238 - My pen's just out of ink. - Let's go. 155 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:05,741 I'm gonna scratch it into the paper 156 00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:07,453 and then kind of go back over and trace over 157 00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:09,163 and see what I wrote before, like in a suspense movie. 158 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:12,663 Also, we heard back from Yale and their response was emphatic. 159 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,326 It's a no. 160 00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:20,049 Okay, Helen, I'm so sorry. Can we just take another five? 161 00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:23,339 Gary, I don't know why you keep doing that because... 162 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,803 Okay, just get back. 163 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:28,514 What did Yale say? What did they say exactly? 164 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,255 They said the Sherman Tanz pardon was unsavory 165 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:33,478 and not in line with the values of Yale. 166 00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:36,019 Then they asked for a donation to their annual fund. How much do we send? 167 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,693 Okay, who else do we know that went to Yale that can help us out? 168 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,863 I did. I can call my RA. We're still pretty close. 169 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,612 Okay, well, that's, you know... 170 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,244 Well, your undergrad alma mater, Smith College, 171 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,910 said they were open to exploring. 172 00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:49,199 Just like a Smith girl, open to exploring. 173 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:50,703 Lesbians would really know how to run a library... 174 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,794 You know, it might not be a bad idea. 175 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:54,750 A woman president, women's college, 176 00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:56,000 three hours from New York. 177 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,961 And the fall foliage is amazing! 178 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,331 You know what, can I just say something? 179 00:06:59,378 --> 00:07:01,168 Fuck Yale University. 180 00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,843 - Fuck Yale. - Yeah. 181 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:05,355 I'm not really comfortable with that kind of language. 182 00:07:05,357 --> 00:07:06,053 Fuck Yale University. 183 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,933 - We're going with Smith. - Ellen. Have you guys seen Ellen? 184 00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,890 - Who? - My daughter. 185 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,100 I had to bring her to work today, and we're playing hide and seek, 186 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:13,060 and now I can't find her. 187 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,060 - I'm here, Mike! I'm going to hide again! - Oh, shit! 188 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,392 - Oh, my God. - No, no, we're not hiding anymore. 189 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,306 Oh, she's too much! 190 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,566 How the fuck long was that kid here for? 191 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,898 I think just since today, but I can't be sure. 192 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,494 We about done, you think? 193 00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:28,029 Well, we just got started, ma'am. 194 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,701 What? 195 00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,332 It may look sunny, 196 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:34,489 but with temperatures plunging down into the single digits, 197 00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:37,458 the Coney Island Polar Bear Club is really earning its name this year. 198 00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,079 Hey, guys, wait for me! 199 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,746 Yeah! 200 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,754 All right! Oh! 201 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,666 Oh, my God! God, that's cold! 202 00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,835 - It's great, right? - I don't think this is working. 203 00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:51,465 - Well, obviously... - Denise! I'd cut it. 204 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,183 I'm sure that there are some bored housewives out there 205 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,394 that would enjoy ogling your Walter Cronkite, 206 00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:58,435 but to me, it looks like local morning news 207 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,228 from, I don't know, Delaware. 208 00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:01,352 No, it's so Delaware. 209 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,268 - And, yeah, of course. - Denise! 210 00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,647 Jane, this piece was your idea. I didn't even wanna do it. 211 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,355 Danny, I respect what you are trying to do, 212 00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:10,275 but maybe this isn't the best fit. 213 00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,574 "Not the best fit" the piece or "not the best fit" you and me? 214 00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:15,542 - Mostly the piece. - Hey, Jane! 215 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:16,699 - You're late. - Okay. 216 00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:19,707 Honestly, it could've gone worse. 217 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:21,630 Did you see that? 218 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,708 I was standing right there and Furlong didn't invite me 219 00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:25,884 to his little power broker dinner party. 220 00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:26,893 I love paella. 221 00:08:26,895 --> 00:08:29,804 Wives in this town make the social calendar. 222 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,303 Mrs. Furlong likes inviting couples, 223 00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:33,926 not unregistered sex offenders. 224 00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:36,312 If you wanna position yourself for higher office long term, 225 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:39,270 you will need a committed partner, specifically, a woman. 226 00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:41,101 Fuck that dated paradigm! 227 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:44,356 I am a balling bachelor sexual congressman, 228 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:47,899 and I will be passing bills by day and smashing gash by night. 229 00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:49,395 Congressman, being a bachelor in this town 230 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,736 means you're gayer than a TV evangelist. 231 00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:53,412 God damn it! I hate homophobia. 232 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:56,370 If it's any consolation, statistically speaking, 233 00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:59,871 married politicians have more sex with more single women 234 00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:01,705 than single politicians. 235 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,920 Fine. Find me Mrs. Ryan. 236 00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:06,131 - Okay. - Not my mom. 237 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,759 I don't give a damn 238 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,470 what people say about Hoyt Steptoe, 239 00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:14,390 but when my opponent spreads lies about my wife? 240 00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,549 How dare you, Buddy Calhoun? 241 00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:18,598 - How dare you? - No, he isn't. 242 00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:22,442 He's crying. Haha, what a fucking girl! 243 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:25,769 Can I borrow you for a second, Miss Brookheimer? 244 00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:27,646 I did not do this, 245 00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:29,533 absolutely, positively. 246 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,319 Fine, I did it! 247 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,033 But that's my job. 248 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,533 I need to clear my head, because this whole campaign 249 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,115 is not going the way I envisioned it. 250 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,290 Oh, what did you envision, Woody, 251 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,449 that you and Buzz Lightyear would win this election 252 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,208 and Andy would play with you again? 253 00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:45,456 Will you play that back? 254 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:46,882 I wanna see him cry again. 255 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,210 All right, hit "POTUS SUV." 256 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,126 - Mm-hmm. - Now select playlist. 257 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,514 - And voila. - There you go, babe. 258 00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:55,142 Oh, I like that. 259 00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,048 Hey, who are we meeting with again today? 260 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,557 The President of Smith College, Regina Pell. 261 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,849 Gigi Pell. God, that's a blast from the past. 262 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:04,644 Aw, you were college buddies? 263 00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,558 No, I don't really remember her that well. 264 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,766 Also, estimates for construction are coming in at $300 million. 265 00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,688 - What? - The money's out there. 266 00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:13,697 We just can't get our hands on it right now. 267 00:10:13,739 --> 00:10:16,199 How do you get this to read the texts and emails out loud? 268 00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,411 I mean, can we reallocate some of the money 269 00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,542 from the Meyer Fund to the library? 270 00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:22,369 - Absolutely, yes. - That's actually a felony. 271 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:23,714 So, we just tell them that we have it all... 272 00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:24,909 And then we just shuffle papers around 273 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,498 until it looks like we actually do. 274 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,043 - Okay. - That's also a felony. 275 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:31,126 In order to find an ideal match, 276 00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:32,883 the restaurant, table, food, and time 277 00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,844 will be the same for every date to establish a control. 278 00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:36,795 - The girl will be different. - Jesus, Kent. 279 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,005 He's just gotta go to a Laundromat, meet a girl, 280 00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,886 take her to a movie, a little chit-chat, 281 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:43,642 couple-three drinks, standard hayjay in the cab home, 282 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,095 and a year later, he's a father. 283 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,305 I mean, why do you make it so goddamn complicated? 284 00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:49,556 You know, one time, I tried hitting on a girl at a Laundromat. 285 00:10:49,608 --> 00:10:52,528 For somebody with broken English, she was real uppity. 286 00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:55,859 - There's your answer. - Carry on. 287 00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:57,736 Every potential mate has been preselected 288 00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:01,373 from the online dating pool of DC women ages 25 to 30 289 00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:04,291 with a strong interest in marriage to you in particular. 290 00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,621 Son of a bitch. I'm gonna go broke paying for all those dates. 291 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,536 Unlikely. There's only four. 292 00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:11,955 We had to extend to the greater Baltimore, Arlington, Alexandria area 293 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,125 to find them. 294 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,133 Well, we got a "maybe" in Delaware. 295 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:15,518 That's right. 296 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:16,546 She's waiting to see your hair grow back. 297 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,133 So, maybe five? 298 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:21,008 I'd budget for four. 299 00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:23,556 I must say I'm just blown away that you were able 300 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,310 to raise so much money so quickly. 301 00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,102 You know what? I think I'm gonna go buy a Splett shirt. 302 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:29,265 Uh, sweatshirt. Yeah, that's what we call it in my family. 303 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:30,419 Okay, great. 304 00:11:30,421 --> 00:11:33,735 Well, this could not come at a better time. 305 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,107 The Selina Meyer Presidential Library 306 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,914 and School for Public Policy and Women's Studies 307 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:40,449 is just where we need to be headed. 308 00:11:40,492 --> 00:11:42,742 I think that title is a bit of a word salad. 309 00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:44,826 Maybe trim that last part about women. 310 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:47,871 And of course you would be offered a full tenured professorship. 311 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,526 Oh, now, would that mean I would have... 312 00:11:49,528 --> 00:11:50,627 Teach? Oh, no. God, no. 313 00:11:50,669 --> 00:11:52,129 - Because my schedule... - Your schedule... 314 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:53,550 is just constantly... 315 00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:55,258 - in flux. - fucked. 316 00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:56,708 Flux. That's what I said. 317 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:57,758 - Did you wanna hang that? - Yeah. 318 00:11:57,801 --> 00:12:00,091 - Great. - Wow! 319 00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:02,257 - I just... I can't believe it. - Look at us. 320 00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:04,005 Do you remember that night junior year? 321 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:04,870 No. 322 00:12:04,872 --> 00:12:07,308 Chardonnay on the quad after Julia Child Day? 323 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,022 You know what, I'm strictly a scotch girl 324 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,102 and I always have been, 325 00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:12,897 so I never really experimented... 326 00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:16,396 with Chardonnay. 327 00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:21,605 Um, so I think you've got me confused with somebody else. 328 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,368 - I don't think I was confused. - Good for you. 329 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:24,780 - Yeah. - Yeah. 330 00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:26,078 - All right. - So... oh, we're going up here? 331 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,871 Yes, we are going up here. 332 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,214 I understand you girls have some questions 333 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,250 - about the library. - Yeah. 334 00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:33,901 You know what, actually, just before that... 335 00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:34,545 Mm-hmm, sure. 336 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:37,418 I wanted to ask you about your controversial pardon of Sherman Tanz... 337 00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,309 Renee. 338 00:12:38,311 --> 00:12:40,837 ..and the recent revelations of widespread abuse 339 00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:43,046 in his women's prisons that he owns in New York. 340 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,886 - Wait till she crosses her legs. - Sure, okay. 341 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:49,181 Things aren't always as black and white as they may seem. 342 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,057 - Um... - Now, now, now, now, now. 343 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,654 Not that it matters, 344 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:57,359 but as a nephew of a survivor of the Holocaust... 345 00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:59,822 - Mm. - mm... 346 00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:03,363 Sherman Tanz is particularly sensitive 347 00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,278 to prison conditions. 348 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:07,487 And he is intimately involved 349 00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:10,747 with every aspect of his company. 350 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:14,500 Now, that being said, he had no idea what was going on. 351 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:19,514 And he immediately fired the number five man in charge 352 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,469 as well as a couple of sixes. 353 00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:24,510 - But, you know, the male-dominated media... - Yes. 354 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,014 they just can't help themselves. 355 00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:27,966 Sadly, it's what I've come to expect 356 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:31,266 from the gatekeepers of this patriarchal... 357 00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,771 "phallus quo." 358 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,324 - I apologize. - Phallus! 359 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:39,439 That's why it's so vital 360 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:40,997 that we have a school for public policy... 361 00:13:40,999 --> 00:13:41,897 And women's studies. 362 00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:43,907 TBD... here at Smith. 363 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:46,449 - Yes. - So... 364 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:49,204 That's our first woman president, y'all! 365 00:13:49,206 --> 00:13:51,254 Yeah, holla, holla, holla. 366 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:52,959 Thank you. 367 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,789 Sorry, ma'am. 368 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,504 Wendy's mom couldn't babysit today. 369 00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,335 But we can keep cracking away at that prologue. 370 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,090 I've got some exciting ideas. 371 00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:02,091 I hope one of them is changing out of that shroud of urine. 372 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:04,223 - Say bye-bye. - It doesn't have to say goodbye. 373 00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,841 Remember that we have the fundraiser 374 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,387 - for the library tonight. - I do, yes. 375 00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:08,720 - Wear something tight. - Huh? 376 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,305 That's not for them, that's for me. 377 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,390 Oh, you are bad! 378 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,185 Agreed. 379 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,899 Hey, Dad, can you move your desk? 380 00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:18,229 Gary, you gotta give Mike one of your shirts. 381 00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:20,145 They're bespoke tailored. 382 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,993 until Mommy and I figure out our new co-living arrangements. 383 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,069 Well, I guess I'll just wrap gifts on the sidewalk. 384 00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:26,525 I thought you'd be more supportive. 385 00:14:26,575 --> 00:14:28,735 Remember in seventh grade when you ran away? 386 00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:32,035 You were crying and crying 'cause you wanted Daddy and I to get back together. 387 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,410 Then you sent me to etiquette camp. 388 00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:35,456 Yes, where you learned to interrupt, evidently. 389 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,250 Did Mike bring his babies? 390 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:38,884 Those babies are so delicious, I could eat them. 391 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:40,380 Well, that would quiet them down. 392 00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:44,342 - Speaking of, Dad, Mom... - Gary. 393 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:47,014 Marjorie and I are having a baby. 394 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,853 What? 395 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:53,309 This is wonderful, wonderful news. 396 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,141 Wait a minute, what? One of you is pregnant? 397 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:59,057 Congratulations. So, which one of you is the carrier? 398 00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,477 Oh, we're not pregnant yet. 399 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,646 We're just gonna look for a sperm donor. 400 00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:06,105 If Catherine's uterus is as loamy as the doctor says, 401 00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:08,026 you're gonna be a grand... ma'am. 402 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:10,164 But I'm only 49. 403 00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:13,701 Let's catch up later. 404 00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,907 - I have to jet. - Wait, you're leaving now, Andrew? 405 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:17,617 This is thrilling news! 406 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,037 - Yeah, but... - I have to tell the world. 407 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:20,625 Hey, just so you guys know, 408 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,550 you gotta be careful with sperm banks. 409 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,129 - Did you hear about the one in Georgia? - No. 410 00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:27,184 Turns out the guy was actually a mentally ill felon. 411 00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:29,718 Oh, my God. Can you imagine having a baby in Georgia? 412 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:30,598 Jesus Christ. 413 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,104 You have to pick someone you know that you trust. 414 00:15:33,141 --> 00:15:35,811 Why don't you use Gary's sperm? It's just sitting there gathering dust. 415 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,227 I mean, if it came to that. 416 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:42,112 God, I wish there were some way we could do this without men. 417 00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:43,940 - No offense. - None taken. 418 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:46,235 Okay, I can't look at you, Cape Fear, 419 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,819 until Gary gets you a shirt. 420 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,284 - What size are you? - Me? Large. 421 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,827 Hey, do you know how they remove a cancerous testicle? 422 00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:01,416 No. 423 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,881 A lot of people think that they just slice one off, right? 424 00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:06,712 What they really do is they make an incision just a little bit further up, 425 00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,838 and they go in and they grab the testicle, 426 00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:09,965 and they pull it out of the scrotum 427 00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,391 and out through the body. 428 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,429 Oh, and I know what you're thinking. 429 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:13,812 The one that I still have, 430 00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:15,638 like, it works just fine. 431 00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:17,234 - Of course. - All right, so who's hungry? 432 00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:18,888 Oh, I... yeah. 433 00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:21,437 Oh, you can get a dessert or an appetizer, but not both. 434 00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:26,404 Dessert, then. I got a sweet tooth. 435 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,494 Okay. 436 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:31,160 Question... do you have any current pictures of your mother? 437 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,909 I'm gonna need both front and rear. 438 00:16:32,951 --> 00:16:35,451 You know, I just gotta run to the bathroom. 439 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,905 - All right, cool. No, of course. - Great. 440 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,617 Oh, the bathrooms are that way. 441 00:16:43,128 --> 00:16:45,208 Okay, so who's the big swinging dick 442 00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:47,505 at this fundraising gang bang tonight? 443 00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:50,469 David Sloane, hedge fund manager. He's in for a million. 444 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,640 1.5 if we can get his dyslexic daughter into Smith. 445 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:58,140 Well, maybe get her to write the check. Get 5.1 out of him. 446 00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:01,564 What do you think about our little girl becoming a mother? 447 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:04,114 Ugh, I'm just... I'm feeling really old. 448 00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,819 You're being ridiculous. 449 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:08,109 People are gonna think you're the hot, young babysitter. 450 00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:10,283 - No, they won't. - Like we played last night. 451 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:12,451 Oh, my God. 452 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:15,160 Stop it, Mr. Meyer. 453 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,832 - Do you want a snack or... no? - No, thanks. 454 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,003 You have three text messages from Helen Wright. 455 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,751 - Is that my phone? - No, my pants didn't vibrate. 456 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:27,594 Oh, that's me. Sorry, I'll get... turn that off. 457 00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,560 Do you want to hear the messages? 458 00:17:29,562 --> 00:17:30,471 Nah, nah, that's okay. 459 00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:33,088 - I did not recognize that command. - No. 460 00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:36,796 You have to really enunciate. No. No. 461 00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:41,098 Message number one... "I can still taste you in my mouth from last night." 462 00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:41,837 What the fuck is going on? 463 00:17:41,839 --> 00:17:43,065 Boy, we should not be listening to that. 464 00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:44,944 That's probably to her boyfriend. 465 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:48,521 I imagine she's texting while riding her bicycle 466 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,608 and sent it to me by mistake. 467 00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:53,363 Second message... "You came so much. 468 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:56,116 Andrew, we ruined your wife's pretty office chair. 469 00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:59,539 I get so hot thinking of the president sitting in our love puddle. 470 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,289 Call me after the fundraiser." 471 00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:03,161 That was a long one. She must be at a light. 472 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,384 Look, Lee... 473 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:16,724 Not one fucking word. 474 00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:22,767 You are the devil! 475 00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:25,601 - You are the fucking devil! - Jesus Christ, he's crazy! 476 00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:27,187 You are the fucking devil! 477 00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:28,732 No, Gary! Stop! 478 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,475 - Gary! - I swear to God! 479 00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,108 - I will kill you in your face! - Stop it! 480 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,574 - President Meyer! - Hello. Hey! 481 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,615 So happy to see you. Thank you. 482 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,699 - Does the library have a name? - It's the Selina Meyer 483 00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:44,214 Presidential Library and School for Public Policy, and that's all. 484 00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:46,919 We're really excited. Really, really excited. 485 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,670 Thank you so much. Yeah, we have a lot of good friends here. 486 00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:51,252 So, luckily, the doctors 487 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,757 were able to remove the mass without a full mastectomy, 488 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,010 so I got to keep my nipple. 489 00:18:56,052 --> 00:18:56,585 Whoo-hoo, right? 490 00:18:56,587 --> 00:18:58,183 I'm gonna go ahead and be honest with you. 491 00:18:58,221 --> 00:19:00,351 That was the most disgusting story I've ever heard. 492 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,680 Now I can't... I can't finish my chicken piccata. 493 00:19:02,725 --> 00:19:03,845 - Excuse me. - Yes? 494 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,393 We're gonna get her dessert to go. 495 00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:07,476 Sorry, I think I have to use the restroom, okay? 496 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:12,069 The restroom is that way. 497 00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:16,030 I mean, I just can't believe I fell for it again! 498 00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:18,032 Andrew is very hard to get rid of. 499 00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:20,664 He's like the herpes virus or an unwanted child. 500 00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:22,122 In this case, he gave me both. 501 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,241 You can't just be that woman 502 00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:25,498 who's standing by her man, 503 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,120 smiling like Lobotomy Barbie 504 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,246 - while he goes fucking... - I know, I know. 505 00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,745 - But, Amy, do you think that... - Ma'am, I gotta go. 506 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:35,547 Well, Amy Brookheimer just hung up on me. 507 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,132 Doesn't get lower than that, does it? 508 00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:41,893 Oh, you are really loving this, aren't you? 509 00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:44,681 Well, I just didn't wanna tell you "I told you so," but... 510 00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:46,636 - Because you didn't. - Okay. 511 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,186 Right? You just rolled your eyes like the world's bitchiest mime. 512 00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,940 Like you just did right there. 513 00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:52,232 - And there it is again, see? - Hey, Mom? 514 00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:54,185 I just wanted to see how you were doing. 515 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,855 God, I'm really starting to understand this whole lesbian thing now. 516 00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:59,025 - Glad you're coming around. - I'm just getting drunk here 517 00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:03,243 on Gary's great bourbon from his inbred backwoods family. 518 00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:06,196 What? There is zero inbreeding in my family. 519 00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:08,747 - Well, that's not true at all. - And only case of schizophrenia, 520 00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:10,461 but my uncle-grandpa had her sterilized, 521 00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,081 and we are all good... 522 00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:13,878 Now he's just going on and on for no apparent reason. 523 00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:18,552 Listen, honey, I want you to tell your whore of a father 524 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:21,643 that I fired the art skank. 525 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,009 - Yeah. - Well, I'm not gonna tell him you said that, 526 00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:27,977 but I am really sorry that Dad did this to you. 527 00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:29,599 Oh. 528 00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,556 That is just the sweetest thing. 529 00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:33,646 We're just one big, happy family! 530 00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:35,571 - Oh, no. - Okay. 531 00:20:35,610 --> 00:20:37,400 You know what I'm thinking? Maybe... 532 00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:40,741 maybe this isn't a good time 533 00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,412 for you to get pregnant. 534 00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:46,990 - You are the worst. - Oh. 535 00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:48,408 - Ugh. - What? 536 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:49,786 Where is that... what? 537 00:20:49,832 --> 00:20:51,502 - That's from her father. - Yeah. 538 00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:53,712 Ma'am, 539 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:56,423 you are unstable and manipulative, 540 00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,174 and I worry about the genes you'll pass down to your child... 541 00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:01,377 - Mm. - but your ex is worse. 542 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:06,102 I appreciate that. Means a lot. 543 00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:07,850 You're like a son to me. 544 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,562 Thank you, ma'am. 545 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:10,772 You can call me "Mom." 546 00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:14,150 Thank you, Mom. 547 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:17,110 Except, you know, it doesn't quite sound right, 548 00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:19,321 - you know, when you hear it out loud. - Mm-mm. 549 00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:21,822 - So, let's just stick with the ma'am. - Ma'am. 550 00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:23,414 - Yes, ma'am. - Yeah, yeah, thank you. 551 00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:24,949 - Yeah, that was a good edit. - Right? 552 00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:26,873 - Yeah. - Really good edit. 553 00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:28,371 - Go back to where we were with that. - Yeah. 554 00:21:33,042 --> 00:21:34,922 Ugh. 555 00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:36,541 - Do you wanna label any of these boxes? - No! 556 00:21:39,841 --> 00:21:41,631 And I want all the touch screens 557 00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:44,676 to say that they're powered by my clean energy initiative 558 00:21:44,721 --> 00:21:46,431 'cause those ecotards love that shit. 559 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,642 - Do you want a butterscotch? - Oh, never for me. 560 00:21:48,683 --> 00:21:52,233 Ma'am, bad news. Helen Wright is going public with you firing her. 561 00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:53,440 It's in the "Post" and getting traction elsewhere. 562 00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:55,149 Jesus Christ! 563 00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:57,439 She's telling the world about how she was blowing Andrew 564 00:21:57,483 --> 00:21:59,193 in my office chair?! 565 00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:01,235 No, ma'am, it's mostly about how Andrew pursued her, 566 00:22:01,279 --> 00:22:03,029 how she's the victim, how she lost her job, 567 00:22:03,072 --> 00:22:04,532 and then there's this nickname stuff. 568 00:22:04,574 --> 00:22:06,704 What nickname stuff are you talking about? 569 00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:09,453 Apparently, Andrew kept referring to his penis as the "First Chubby." 570 00:22:09,495 --> 00:22:11,035 - Oof. - Oh, God. 571 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,910 - All right, your fly is down. - What? 572 00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:14,957 Oh, wait, guys, we don't have a problem. 573 00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:16,541 Helen signed an NDA. 574 00:22:16,586 --> 00:22:19,126 We're gonna sue her for breach of contract. 575 00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:21,342 Well, we could had we paid her. 576 00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:23,672 - Who was in charge of that? - Andrew. 577 00:22:23,718 --> 00:22:27,548 Okay, well, fucked again by the First Chubby. 578 00:22:27,597 --> 00:22:29,217 And both of your shoes are untied. 579 00:22:29,265 --> 00:22:31,215 How did that happen? 580 00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:33,267 I got one theory. 581 00:22:33,311 --> 00:22:35,021 Oh, my God. 582 00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:37,613 - What? - This Helen thing is exploding. 583 00:22:37,648 --> 00:22:40,318 It's everywhere. Are you sure you don't wanna hire a communications director? 584 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,899 - Okay, fine, you're hired. - Oh, congratulations! 585 00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:43,818 What are they saying? 586 00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:46,106 Well, they're mad at you for victim-blaming Helen 587 00:22:46,157 --> 00:22:47,617 for Andrew's behavior. 588 00:22:47,658 --> 00:22:49,448 - You're fired. - Tough break, buddy. 589 00:22:49,494 --> 00:22:51,874 I'm the only one who didn't do anything wrong 590 00:22:51,913 --> 00:22:53,753 in this "trifuckta." 591 00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:55,290 And now I'm wearing the scarlet letter? 592 00:22:55,333 --> 00:22:57,083 Oh, that is your color. 593 00:22:57,126 --> 00:22:58,666 Oh, ma'am, look how excited they are to see you. 594 00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:00,381 Oh, wait, you may not wanna look out the window. 595 00:23:00,421 --> 00:23:01,881 ...no library! 596 00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:04,423 No justice, no library! 597 00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:07,797 - No justice, no library! - I understand everything. 598 00:23:07,845 --> 00:23:09,505 I'll tell you something, I can tell you're very emotional 599 00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:13,265 because I'm very emotional, too, about this issue. 600 00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:16,189 - Helen Wright is a victim! - I think that we are both victims... 601 00:23:16,229 --> 00:23:19,229 - How the fuck can you say that?! - I can say that... 602 00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:21,233 - Don't talk over me! - Okay. 603 00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:23,275 I think we need to tone down... 604 00:23:23,319 --> 00:23:26,649 Why are you even here?! 605 00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:29,237 Scandal continues to dog Selina Meyer... 606 00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:32,243 - What is this snapping? - as allegations of sexual misconduct 607 00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,866 swirl around her ex-husband, Andrew Meyer. 608 00:23:34,914 --> 00:23:36,794 And speaking of politics, 609 00:23:36,833 --> 00:23:40,383 he's 28 feet tall and only bathes once a year. 610 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:42,209 That's right, Jane. 611 00:23:42,255 --> 00:23:44,375 The Lincoln Memorial has been undergoing its annual cleaning, 612 00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:46,013 so I'm heading to DC. 613 00:23:46,050 --> 00:23:47,340 Gonna check in with the people down there 614 00:23:47,385 --> 00:23:48,795 that are involved with the project. 615 00:23:48,845 --> 00:23:51,795 - Very exciting stuff. - What fun! 616 00:23:51,848 --> 00:23:53,694 Don't forget to pack your long johns, Danny. 617 00:23:53,696 --> 00:23:54,696 Will do. 618 00:23:54,725 --> 00:23:57,635 So, until tomorrow, I'm Jane McCabe. 619 00:23:57,687 --> 00:24:00,687 - And I'm Danny Egan. - See you in the tomorrow. 620 00:24:00,731 --> 00:24:02,271 - And we're clear. - Denise! 621 00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:04,856 - Do me a favor. - Sure, man. 622 00:24:04,902 --> 00:24:07,902 Wrap that wire around my neck until I'm dead. 623 00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:10,867 I am so sorry about the protest out there. 624 00:24:10,908 --> 00:24:13,488 I don't like the word shrill because it's so misogynistic, 625 00:24:13,536 --> 00:24:15,576 - but in this case... - Believe me, I understand. 626 00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:17,781 I mean, there isn't a tampon in the world... 627 00:24:17,783 --> 00:24:18,502 Right? 628 00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:21,581 big enough to soak up that mess out there, my God. 629 00:24:21,627 --> 00:24:25,497 So, um, I think the architects are meeting us today or...? 630 00:24:25,548 --> 00:24:29,218 Selina, we have to put the library on hold. 631 00:24:29,260 --> 00:24:30,680 What?! 632 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,430 Because of those 18-year-old bitches out there?! 633 00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:36,352 What am I supposed to do, rehire Frida Swallow? 634 00:24:36,392 --> 00:24:38,022 Oh, well... 635 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:40,060 Oh, well, that's not gonna happen. 636 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:42,194 - It would totally defuse their rage. - No, no, no, no. 637 00:24:42,231 --> 00:24:44,691 It would show that you listened if you made a public show of embracing her. 638 00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:49,244 No, that's like Princess Di hiring Camilla Parker Bowles to be her limo driver. 639 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,110 I mean, I'm just... you know, although in that case, 640 00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:53,567 it would've worked out better for her, obviously, but... 641 00:24:53,618 --> 00:24:56,056 Selina, we're talking about your legacy for the ages. 642 00:24:56,058 --> 00:24:56,869 Oh, my God. 643 00:24:56,913 --> 00:24:58,081 Just think about it. 644 00:24:58,083 --> 00:25:01,584 Just... Regina, can we just... can we just take a pause here? 645 00:25:01,626 --> 00:25:02,956 - Okay. - Um... 646 00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:07,922 why don't you and I go out to dinner, okay, 647 00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:09,165 and if we... 648 00:25:10,635 --> 00:25:12,545 if we need more time, you know, 649 00:25:12,595 --> 00:25:15,045 let's go back to my hotel 650 00:25:15,097 --> 00:25:17,007 and we can have that Chardonnay... 651 00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:20,807 I'm in a committed relationship. 652 00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:22,693 Yeah, I really, honestly... 653 00:25:22,730 --> 00:25:25,440 I have no idea what you're talking about. 654 00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:27,653 You're just, like... 655 00:25:27,693 --> 00:25:30,653 I can't believe I spent the night in jail. 656 00:25:30,696 --> 00:25:32,276 It's a piddly DUI. 657 00:25:32,323 --> 00:25:33,993 In Nevada, that's practically a resume builder. 658 00:25:34,033 --> 00:25:35,783 There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag 659 00:25:35,826 --> 00:25:37,486 right next to the guy beating his wife. 660 00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:39,576 No, it's a five-pointed star. 661 00:25:39,622 --> 00:25:41,962 Hey, hobos, get off the Internet. This isn't the library. 662 00:25:41,999 --> 00:25:45,079 This is the dashcam footage from Buddy's arrest last night. 663 00:25:45,127 --> 00:25:47,167 Ooh, easy! Easy, pretty lady. 664 00:25:47,213 --> 00:25:49,513 - What, are you on the rag? - Calm down, sir. 665 00:25:49,548 --> 00:25:51,588 Pretty... it's a pretty pristine image. 666 00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,594 Oh, yeah, you're all hot and juicy now. 667 00:25:53,636 --> 00:25:55,336 I bet if I take you home to bed, 668 00:25:55,388 --> 00:25:58,058 you're just gonna lie there with your BlackBerry 669 00:25:58,099 --> 00:26:00,099 and no dirty talk for Uncle Buddy then. 670 00:26:00,142 --> 00:26:03,192 - That is not about you. - You don't think I have balls? 671 00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:06,019 Guess what, I got balls. I got big, blue balls. 672 00:26:06,065 --> 00:26:07,475 - You wanna see them? - Sir. 673 00:26:07,525 --> 00:26:10,065 You wanna see my big, blue balls? This is them! 674 00:26:10,111 --> 00:26:12,491 - Get on the hood. - Ow! Oh! 675 00:26:12,530 --> 00:26:14,070 You know, I blacked out. 676 00:26:14,115 --> 00:26:16,445 I... I don't remember any of that. 677 00:26:16,492 --> 00:26:19,032 Okay? Can I count on your vote? 678 00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:20,488 I'm on my way to check it out. 679 00:26:22,456 --> 00:26:24,076 I love Sting's solo stuff. 680 00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:25,535 Say your favorite album on three. 681 00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,464 - One, two, three... - "Soul Cages." 682 00:26:27,503 --> 00:26:29,043 - Come on, get out of here! - Stop it. 683 00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:30,798 - Are you serious? - What else is it gonna be? 684 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,760 - That's crazy? - Can I say something? 685 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,550 - Sure! - You have a rockin' body. 686 00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:37,263 - Oh, thank you. - You know, go ahead and order a dessert. 687 00:26:37,305 --> 00:26:39,215 - I know you had an appetizer... - Oh, I'm not a dessert kind of girl. 688 00:26:39,265 --> 00:26:42,305 Hey, if it isn't Congressman Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire. 689 00:26:42,351 --> 00:26:43,931 - Hi! - This is my friend Dan, 690 00:26:43,978 --> 00:26:45,688 - who is just leaving. - Oh, what are you doing? 691 00:26:45,730 --> 00:26:48,190 Oh, shit, she can see. That's a shocker. 692 00:26:48,232 --> 00:26:50,112 Oh, wow! You're Danny. 693 00:26:50,151 --> 00:26:51,651 I watch you when I'm on the treadmill. 694 00:26:51,694 --> 00:26:53,074 - Of course you work out. - It's just Dan. 695 00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:55,572 And let me give you one word of advice... run. 696 00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:58,284 This predator has roofied more women than Kappa Alpha Cosby. 697 00:26:58,326 --> 00:27:00,326 Okay, that's not an actual fraternity. 698 00:27:00,369 --> 00:27:02,369 So, unless you enjoy the thrill of waking up in a basement torture dungeon... 699 00:27:02,413 --> 00:27:04,163 - No. - I'd say call it a night. 700 00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:06,206 - You know, maybe I should go. - Kristal, it's fine. 701 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:08,170 It's just an unfinished basement, and he's just fucking with you. 702 00:27:08,210 --> 00:27:09,540 This is for trapping me in a job 703 00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:11,377 that makes me long for the days of Selina Meyer. 704 00:27:11,422 --> 00:27:13,462 And I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend. 705 00:27:13,507 --> 00:27:14,837 - Oh, and, Kristal? - Yes? 706 00:27:14,884 --> 00:27:16,264 - Can I give you a ride home? - Okay. 707 00:27:16,302 --> 00:27:18,552 It's the least I could do. 708 00:27:18,596 --> 00:27:20,636 Sir, can I have the check...? 709 00:27:24,685 --> 00:27:26,765 I'm sorry, could you move your head a little bit more to the light, ma'am? 710 00:27:28,439 --> 00:27:31,609 - Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. - Shh. 711 00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:33,900 - Oh. - Sorry to interrupt. 712 00:27:33,944 --> 00:27:36,204 Smith is a no. 713 00:27:39,241 --> 00:27:42,791 Well, you can pack up your crayons and get the fuck out of here. 714 00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:45,703 - What? - Gary. 715 00:27:45,748 --> 00:27:47,118 Yep. 716 00:27:48,376 --> 00:27:49,666 Oh! 717 00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:51,460 I'm sorry. 718 00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:53,924 If there's one thing I learned in the Air National Guard, 719 00:27:53,964 --> 00:27:56,674 it is respect for a woman in uniform. 720 00:27:56,717 --> 00:27:58,547 I have no hate in my heart. 721 00:27:58,594 --> 00:28:02,434 I love women, especially my beautiful fiancée, Amy. 722 00:28:02,473 --> 00:28:05,063 But now it is time to focus on the issues at hand 723 00:28:05,101 --> 00:28:07,601 that concern the people of the state of Nevada. 724 00:28:07,645 --> 00:28:08,845 Let us pray. 725 00:28:10,856 --> 00:28:12,516 Heavenly Father, 726 00:28:12,566 --> 00:28:16,646 warden of eternal light, 727 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:19,315 teach us to love women, 728 00:28:19,365 --> 00:28:22,565 but in a way that is respectful. 729 00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:25,118 And also, Your compassion. 730 00:28:26,997 --> 00:28:28,497 And amen. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00